The French

[Hazard]

If you are French I mean you no disrespect.

* Hazard coughs

***

"France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French
army garrison to surrender."
-From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper

***

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
- Donald Rumsfeld - Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the first gulf war.

***

Q:  What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A:  The French army, of course."

Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows& No French man has ever tried.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.

Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A:  Sunburned armpits.

Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.

Q:  Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A:  Never been fired, dropped only once.

Q:  The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A:  It's a white cross on a white background

Q:  Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup squad?
A:  A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

Q:  How many gears in a French tank?
A:  Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.

***

Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.

***

Jay Leno, a few summers ago:

"France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing".

You know, like they did in WWII...."

***

In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:

Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!

So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all US. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldier buried in France from World War I and World War II.

DeGaulle never answered.

***

Something to ponder:

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?

***

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE...


- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next  2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;  "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."


-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to  ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux (hats).

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian  War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the  French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar  to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English  colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match  for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. BTW, have you EVER heard any of the Frogs say they were Vichey French??? Phuck no. They were ALL Combattants Français De Résistance!!!


- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. We bailed 'em out (yet again).


- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. As attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France becomes a country of full time cooks & waiters"?

***

!~!HaZaRD!~!

[Edit] ***'s for your reading convenience.

[iago]

lmao@french people :-D

[Arki]

ROFLMAO, This is the funniest thing ive seen all week.

[mavrick_kr]

Well I am french and I've had alot of interest in history in the past. And all those are so in-accurate.

Code Select Expand

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match  for a British footwear designer.

That's a total lie right there. The french had 85% of europe and lost to the British & Russians for two paticular reasons.

The one about the british is, yet because the british lived on an island, so of course they had the most powerful navy, considering they had harbours in canada making ships too, making it impossible for the french to control the seas, but otherwise if it was land battles they would've lost.

Now for the Russians. The Russians were weak and were still possibly in fuedel times unlike the rest of europe. So when the grand army of 600,000 soldiers went to their country to fight they repeatly ran off and burnt their own towns. Which was the most logic thing to do anyways. So they pressed on and got to moscow and retreated which in returned destroyed the army. TSK TSK. These little clumsy mistakes cost them alot. Not only did Napoleon screw himself when he made the people from all of europe think of nationlism, but that what his downfall.

I find the french to be quite stupid now-a-days but in the past they've done incredible things that made europe quit the feduel stages and evolve into better system for governing themselves.

[Zakath]

They aren't all innaccurate. It's very exaggerated of course, but the French have not, historically, been a major military power.

The French were also not at all instrumental at bringing Europe out of the Fuedal era. France had one of the most absurd absolute monarchies in the history of the world right up until their Revolution.

[Grok]

Haha, come on lighten up.  The post is made in the "Fun Forum" and you guys are looking for technical inaccuracies?  The whole point is obviously to play on the French people's sense of failure in war.  They have this ongoing psychosis about losing all the time.

Try to enjoy jokes, not pick them apart!

[Zakath]

Indeed. I thought it was extremely funny.

[Hazard]

Maverick my point was the French suck. I wasn't looking for technical accuracy.

[mavrick_kr]

Yeah and the Americans swallow.  

Doesn't matter you didn't state anywhere in your post that you didn't want technical accuracy anyways...

[Grok]

Jokes are almost never technically accurate.  Get a sense of humor.

[mavrick_kr]

I got one...

[Soul Taker]

Then take it to a repair shop.

[Hazard]

Then take it to a repair shop.

Example of a bad joke.