Mommy, Peter is a computer hacker!

[Elneroth]

Everyone must see this, I laughed my ass off during this entire article.
http://adequacy.org/public/stories/2001.12.2.42056.2147.html

Apparantly, you're a hacker if you qualify for the following:
• Obsession with "Lunix"... lmao
• Wanting faster video cards.. eh? Didn't know you needed better graphics for hacking!
• Wanting an ISP change from AOL........... enough said there.
• If you enjoy playing QUAKE
• If you spend more than 30 mins on a computer a day....
• If you read Pearl programming books.
Oh, and you can't forget that hacking processor called AMD. Everyone beware of AMD, it's not sold anywhere except for online sites worked by child labor!

That have to be the dumbest parent I have ever heard about.
She needs a few things:
1. A huge punch in the face for insulting computer programmers.
2. A new computer for her son.
3. LAVASoft (To get rid of bonzibunnie, the ultimate hacking software!)
4. A yahoo screen name, so she can shut the hell up and join the yahoo community like half the parents out there.

[Adron]

Haha, great story

Seems like a site with some good writers!

[hismajesty]

repost. still pretty funny though.

[R.a.B.B.i.T]

I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parentspy.

application programs

?

After a few days of investigationspying

when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.

Maybe you're wrong?

If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendlyless shitty provider.

If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease

*cough*AOL Parental Protection*cough*

Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

Flash?  WTF?  Are you sure he's not a webmaster with lots of spyware?

AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips.

Founded in 1969 and based in Sunnyvale, California...when did we sell California, again?

It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms

..../smack

Keep trying to get through to himBeat him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

BSD...invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos

Berkeley is a Soviet establishment?

Lunix...

Well...Lunix actually is illegal...he got 1 thing right so far.

Debian, Mandrake...

Modified, open-source OS are evil?

"xenix"

US GOVERNMENT SITES HAVE THE EXTENSION ".gov", NOT ".org"

which was written by Microsoft for the US government

Microsoft stole the base of Windows from Apple.

In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive

...or boot to Windows and just remove it yourself.

Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors.

WTF?!

If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

Yes, seeing as how him spending all of his waking moments on the computer "hacking" gives him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo much free time.

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group

Or he's stupid and fat.

"Otaku"

...are pastey fat Japanese anime fans who don't take showers.

electromagnetic radiation

Electromagnetism doesn't radiate from monitors...

This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry

Hackers tend to be pretty smart, usually in the areas of MATH and SCIENCE

[Warrior]

That is the FUNNIEST THING I've ever read.
God I can't stop laughing.
Ha.

[TehUser]

electromagnetic radiation

Electromagnetism doesn't radiate from monitors...

I didn't even see this the first time around, but now that I did, I have to comment...  Yes, it does.  That's what electonics do is emit electromagnetic radiation.  In fact, (CRT) monitors emit so much that it's even possible to capture what's on the screen, simply by reading the emitted radiation.

[MyndFyre]

which was written by Microsoft for the US government

Microsoft stole the base of Windows from Apple.

If you're going to make fun of satire, at least get YOUR story straight.  MS stole the *UI concepts*, not the "base" of Windows. 

[R.a.B.B.i.T]

electromagnetic radiation

Electromagnetism doesn't radiate from monitors...

I didn't even see this the first time around, but now that I did, I have to comment...  Yes, it does.  That's what electonics do is emit electromagnetic radiation.  In fact, (CRT) monitors emit so much that it's even possible to capture what's on the screen, simply by reading the emitted radiation.

:X

which was written by Microsoft for the US government

Microsoft stole the base of Windows from Apple.

If you're going to make fun of satire, at least get YOUR story straight.  MS stole the *UI concepts*, not the "base" of Windows. 

You missed my subtle joke about Windows being only a UI...

[Intangir]

that cant be real, how could anyone that RETARDED actually manage to get an article ON the internet

if it is real, i feel really really sorry for his kids

[Mangix]

this is pretty old. i saw QuikMan post this about 6 months ago(diffrent forums).

@rabbit: ROFL I CANT STOP LAUGHING AT YOUR COMMENTS ROFL.

heres something else i found out.

A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly

LMFAO

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos

what a dumbass. they are based off of Unix and they are Open Source. how the hell can they be bad?

Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet"

...wtf. Telnet is a protocol used for connecting to remote shells.

AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips.

if thats true then why do computer companies use those chips in their computers?

Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash"

Comet Cursor is some spyware that i had on my older comp. their search engine pwns though . Bonzi Buddy is a fucking 3D Ape that gives spyware. Flash isnt fucking dangerous. its just animated pictures or w/e it is.

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services.

lmao. DOS = Desk Operating System not Denial of Service. how the fuck do you DOS another site. cmd.exe doesnt give options like those.

In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases

I have an LCD Monitor bitch. it cant hurt my eyes. its LCD.

uhhh im tired of searching for bullshit out of that page.

[Archangel]

LOL THIS PARENT IS SO DUMB!!
The best part of this article are the comments! lol

LOL, i will actually print this article. So when i have childrens, i will identify if they are hackers or not.

How so? Easy: If they start laughing and correcting it, they are hackers ^.-. LOL

Does your son use Quake?

What about Starcraft/Brood War/Warcraft II/Warcraft III/...? lol

[disco]

A child whos rebelous, changing their appearance, and asksing for things?
Seems like this guy has got hackers and teenagers mixed up...

[Hdx]

1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?
2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?
3. Has your child asked for new hardware?
4. Does your child read hacking manuals?
5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?
6. Does your son use Quake?
7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?
8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?
9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?
10. Is your son struggling academically?

1. Yes... AOL sucks the major balls (I used to have it)
2. Umm, OMG OMG OMG Whats 'GAIM'? Mhe, I have installed every single peice of software on this computer, including windows and Linix
3. Whats wrong with wanting better parts for the computer? Most games now days are TO GOOD for ANY vid card on the market.
4. They are fun, and informative.
5. Sadly.. It's summer so I'm mostly on the computer cept when i'm swimming and biking.
6. Quake is a fun game 0.o Not a secret training ground for spys!!
7. Maby he jsut dosen't like idiots. (As most people are, demonstrated by this artical.)
8. Whats wrong with a free open source softare? Something that you can customize and inprove upon?
9. Meh, it's called the current fad. Happens about once a month, jsut about the same time as your period man!
10. A lil bit, just in 2nd languages. But I bet you can't speak spanish or ebonics, or even '1337sp34k'

God this is funny... but old. I wana hunt this person down.
~-~(HDX)~-~
]
PS: Also noticed this on the side:

Poll
   
I'm scared of hackers because...
   They hack into NASA    5%
   They steal things    4%
   They are violent sociopaths    4%
   They use amphetamines and speed    7%
   They help Osama Bin Laden    14%
   They're un-American    5%
   They smell bad    58%

BWHAHAHAHA
Also, I find this funny, In a diffrent thread he posted:

r. If you are going to post information to the world wide web, you must take the privilege of electronic publishing as seriously as if you were submitting a paper to a professional organisation. Every fact must be checked, and every relevant piece of data must be included.

~-~(HDX)~-~

[QwertyMonster]

Lol haha

[Mangix]

lmao hdx are you retarted? he said Lunix not Linux. Lunix is illegal.

edit:also if you guys look, the maker of it is "T Reginald Gibbons" and the topic is "Internet Idiocy" which explains why its so fucking hillarious.