Starcraft Newbies

iago · March 29, 2003, 04:05 PM

This is a guide to Starcraft Newbies that my friend wrote awhile back. I know Grok's seen this, so now others get to bask in its gentle hurtful humour! Yeah, I'm bored. Have fun! :-D

In this guide to Battle.net Newbies, I will be referring to different types of Newbies as "Breeds". Think of them as pests.

The "End of the World as we Know It" Newbie.

This Newbie will (sometimes quite literally) explode in the case of an attack. Constantly using words like "Gay", "Faggot" and "Retard", this particular breed of Newbie shows little signs of comprehension of the English language. It will use its limited vocabulary as its only weapon, and a weak one it is at that. Probably the most humorous of the Newbies.

The "Holier than Thou" Newbie

Usually with strong religious values, this Newbie will simply comment on your unholy and immoral behavior and threaten damnation. Most common quotes from this breed of Newbie are: "Have you no morals?" and "You will burn in hell."

The "Gouranga" Newbie

This Newbie is the slowest to anger. They show no signs of care to what happens to their record or their base; however, chances are they are just acting this way to hide their true fuming anger towards your actions, knowing that you get off on it. They act like they don't have a care in the world to make you lose interest. Probably the smartest of the Newbies.

The "One Strike I'm Out" Newbie

"One Strike I'm Out" Newbies live off of their records. They try to have 100% wins, but usually have about 50+ disconnects to make up for it. Once they become doomed to lose, they simply press the reset button on their computers, Ctrl-Alt-Delete out of the game, or remove their CD from the drive. If they somehow get a loss, they will throw a raging temper tantrum, throwing things around the room because they wasted time to get a 500 win record only to get a loss, which for some reason ruins it. For some reason having that perfect, all wins no losses record is the most important part of Starcraft. Also in this category would be the newbie who has 500+ losses and you kill your self or intentionally lose the game just so he'll get a win. Refer to http://www.valhallalegends.com/images/1win.jpg for an example of this.

The "H4X j00 C0mP" Newbie, AKA the "Wannabe Hacker" Newbie.

Have you ever backstabbed someone to have them threaten to eliminate your computer? Well, right there was a "Wannabe Hacker" Newbie. 99.9% of the time they are all bark and no bite. Very rarely you will find someone who has any sort of hacking skill outside of saving the game with the name "Virus t0 C\: dr1v3 H4H4!" but the chances of that are pretty much nil. This particular breed can be a great source of entertainment.

The "I am your Slave" Newbie

When you want something done, the "I am your Slave" Newbie is your personal gopher. They will do ANYTHING you ask them to, albeit giving you unlimited supplies of Command Centers for infestation, or killing someone, you can do anything with this breed. When it comes around to wiping them out, just assure them that you will ally at the end and they will believe you. Either that, or your luck will run out and they will turn into one of the other types of Newbie.

The "Whimpering Puppy" Newbie

Whimpering Puppy Newbies spend most of the time backstabbing begging you to ally. They usually call out "PLZ ALLY WITH ME!!!!11" or "Allie u butfuker". Some are more pleading, some are more demanding, but in the end they can transform into any of the other types of Newbies.

The "It Doesn't Stop Here" Newbie

This breed of Newbie runs to the closest authority for comfort. It could go to it's parents, Blizzard Tech Support asking them to ban you forever, or call on a squad of his clan members to kill you. All three of these options the "It Doesn't Stop Here" Newbie has do pretty much nothing, but it would be possible to get some clan members to follow you around for about an hour and then lose interest.

The "Korean Values" Newbie

Usually from Korea, this breed of Newbie takes Starcraft as a way of life, competing in the KBK and other tournament events. It's not really the way this Newbie plays but the way it let's you know it doesn't like you. Usually found saying the following: "Huk huk!" "Kekekekke" "^_^;;" "BAD PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAD PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!" "What happened to honor?" It is unsure whether they play for the honor of their town or if it's a tradition that a boy must defeat 7 computer opponents on Insane AI to become a man or some other bizarre ritual, but it is certain that they play the game as though it were one of the most serious topics in the world.

Thing · March 29, 2003, 07:46 PM

Which one are you iago?

iago · March 30, 2003, 03:09 AM

Hmm, if I WAS a newbie, which I'm not, but if I was, I would probably be the one who doesn't say anything or congratulates the other guy. If somebody can beat me, I tell them that they did a good job and I leave the game, or talk to them. If they offer me mercy (which is very often the case), I refuse it.

Ok, admittedly, that's the old me. If somebody tried to bs me now they wouldn't get too far (unless it was somebody equally 1337 as me who I can't blow up) :-)

Thing · March 30, 2003, 08:42 AM

I haven't played in over one hundred years, but when I did I was:

"Asshole Newbie".

When I am losing, I "spoil" my opponents battle.net connection forcing them to drop. Then when they log back on, I torment them with lies about how I was kicking their ass and they dropped on me. This is especially fun when you are in their home channel and their friends are listening.

iago · March 30, 2003, 01:24 PM

Why add unneeded traffic to the internet by spoiling their connection? We all know sprintlink has enough problems

Just make Starcraft blow up. ;-)

Thing · March 30, 2003, 07:57 PM

LOL@Sprintlink! If I could keep my Class C and move it to a different backbone I would, but changing all those IP's would be very disruptive.

Wolf · April 04, 2003, 06:03 PM

Quote from: iago on March 29, 2003, 04:05 PM
The "H4X j00 C0mP" Newbie, AKA the "Wannabe Hacker" Newbie.

Have you ever backstabbed someone to have them threaten to eliminate your computer? Well, right there was a "Wannabe Hacker" Newbie. 99.9% of the time they are all bark and no bite. Very rarely you will find someone who has any sort of hacking skill outside of saving the game with the name "Virus t0 C\: dr1v3 H4H4!" but the chances of that are pretty much nil. This particular breed can be a great source of entertainment.

Now thats funny, people who think that there opponiate is going to "H4]{0|2" them deserves to get a loss. Christ, if people are that afraid of the world, one of thows hardware network firewall barriers (http://www.smc.com) is all they need to take that bull shit, and cram it up there asses