Handicapping Horses

[Thing]

Here is my first official How-To on betting at the horse races.  I spent all day yesterday at Lone Star Park wagering on the ponies and have a fool proof method for cashing in.  I will outline each strategy and disclose the success or failure of each.

1.  The best pony strategy
I spent a considerable amount of time looking at the history of each horse in the race.  I examined how they ran on different tracks, at different lengths, and different conditions.  This strategy sucked because I only won $0.60.

2.  The best jockey strategy
These races, I tried to figure out how the jockey would do.  I looked at each one's winning percentage and lost my ass.  Fucking jockeys!

3.  The best horse and jockey strategy
I thought I would combine my prediction techniques and pick the best combination of jockey and horse.  Yep, I lost more money.

4.  Kicking logic to the curb, I decided to try something new.  Here comes the ugliest jockey strategy.  I picked the ugliest sonofabitch in the bunch and bet on him.  Bad move, he lost.  Fucker!

5.  The only chick jockey strategy didn't work either.  I thought chicks only rode horses on porn sites.  They do but they also make you lose money when you bet on their sorry asses at the track.

6.  I don't know if it was the insane amount of beer I had consumed or what, but I tried the floral pony strategy.  I bet on a horse who's name had a flower in it.  He came in dead fucking last.  I shot his ass dead after the race.

7.  The big nosed jockey strategy sucked ass.  I bet on this one guy with a giant beak.  I figured it would cut the air and give him an advantage.  Nope, he helped me lose some more money.

8.  Here it is, the end of the day and I haven't won shit so I went with the coolest color horse strategy.  This horse wasn't quite black and wasn't quite grey.  He was all wet like he'd been smoking crack all day.  Bonus!  A crackhead horse.  I bet all of the rest of my money on his wired ass.  Crackhead Pony won!!

At the end of the day I was down $60.00.  Not bad for an entire day of eating, drinking and being merry.  I hope this guide helps you the next time you go to the track.

[Akamas]

I goto the race tracks often, I usually end up better than I started but sometimes I loose.

[Thing]

Hey, losing is a matter of opinion.  Did you really lose money if you had a good time?  I go to the track a couple of times per year and always take in the amount of money I'm willing to spend.  Yesterday I spent $60.00 and had a great time and I got to kill a horse.

[muert0]

Should of sold it to a local restaurant. Probably would of made your money back.

[Akamas]

Hey, losing is a matter of opinion.  Did you really lose money if you had a good time?  I go to the track a couple of times per year and always take in the amount of money I'm willing to spend.  Yesterday I spent $60.00 and had a great time and I got to kill a horse.  

mmm, yah good point!

[Newby]

You shot a horse?

[Akamas]

Yah, he's a lucky bastard that he got the chance to.